Thursday, May 31, 2012

Wrestling Angels

I deleted this last post after a few different reasons.

One of them being that I am not emotionally ready to accept what I wrote.  I am learning the honesty of being human and it hurts.  We are all selfish people.

I am still working on the emotional part of the break up and am not ready yet to come to any conclusions as of "why".

However, the conclusions I have come to are that we are all innately selfish people.  Let me expand on this. 

It is innate that in order to survive, we must think of our own well being. What drives us is our desires, and those may come out in different ways.  Now, some of us may have very strong desires because things were withheld from us at an early age and that in order survive we adapeted certain skills. Now that we are adults those survival skills do not benefit us anymore and therefore there is need to relearn how to meet our desires/needs in a more beneficial way.

While the rest of us may have less harmful ways of satisfying these desires,  we all have different preferences of how to do so.  The way I have heard it explained is through coarser and more refined tastes.  As a child you enjoyed koolaid perhaps, but now as an adult you have more refined tastes such as a glass of wine or a nice cold beer on a hot day. Some of us might be okay with meeting our needs one way and others would rather do it a different way.  Either the way, it is your choice in how to do it.  However, I feel that we never stop learning and consistently refine our tastes all the more.  However, we need to get sick of koolaid, before we desire wine. 

Something I have learned is that I have been one to hold myself above others in my "tastes" for life.  Because I thought that my tastes made me a better person. And in part I am still learning this. However just because that guy still likes koolaid and I am drinking wine.  Makes neither of us a better person.  Do I think wine is better? Yes.  But Johnny over there says, "I'm good with my koolaid, thank you."  I cannot force him to drink my wine.  Therefore all I can do is kick the dust off my shoes and move on, offering other people wine to see who will take it.

My hardest lesson: it's not about me.

What I am trying to explain with this analogy is that every action we take is out of selfishness, the difference between us and the felon, is only our preferences as to how we satisfy our needs.

I will leave you with a few quotes..

"There must be a better way of living than depending on another human being."

"It's only when you're sick of your sickness that you'll get out of it"

"Truth is never expressed in words. Truth is sighted suddenly as a result of a certain attitude."

These are things I am wrestling with, and wanted to share with you.
 I feel as though I am wrestling with angels.  I can feel that I want to take the easy way out to satisfy my wants, but I know that if I work for it, I can receive in whole of what I actually want.



Saturday, May 5, 2012


I just finished my pre-settlement questionaire and am feeling sorry for myself.  I had to recount how my accident has effected me and the struggles it put me through.  Not fun.  I am also having bad reactions to my medication and that is not helping either.  I just need a place to whine and send it out into the universe or the internets...  I realized after writing out this stuff that I have been on the search for a right medication for a year! And still havent found the right one.  I even went to the hospital one day because of it.  I really wish there was a way out.  I feel like I am sitting in the midst of a fire and I want to run but instead I must sit and wait for it to be distinguished.  I feel like the only person I can look to is God to give me patience.  It's tiring to get your hopes up again and again just to be let down. 

Because of this "down" feeling and fatigue, I am constantly in search of something to bring me "up". Because of this I keep reaching for candy and soda.  It does the trick but I am gaining weight.  I am trying to be gentle with myself in this area but it is difficult when I am also trying to lose weight and am defeating it myself.  Its the feeling of trying to succeed at something but you are the one that keeps stopping yourself and you can't help it.  Oh and being broke and not being able to buy healthy food doesn't help either.  Gahhhh!!!!!!

I feel like I need some type of community support.  Or just community in general.  I just want to feel normal again.

Mental Health

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