Awareness

This song seems fairly relevant to how I am feeling and processing.
I am learning much about living my own life in addition to what it means to be in an intimate relationship with another.

I have discovered that through my life at bible college I adopted this understanding that my self worth should be non existent in order to be "holy as your heavenly father is holy." And there is still this growth of expectancy that lies inside of me, informing me that in order to nurture the expansion of love in myself and others, I must bury the very essence of myself.
All of the repeating "I die to myself to live as Christ"  I understood as not allowing myself to be loved.
However, love will find a way.

It is a mystery that love is a necessity as it is not something that we can quite grasp with our senses in order to comprehend as one of our most basic life source.
I find that without the knowledge of love and what it means in my own individual life, it comes out in ways that are not always healthy.
I truly believe that this is a human capacity and the cause of most incidents of violence and emotional pain.
I find that the beautiful mess that life creates begins in the dangerous awe of relationships and through introspection and meditation we can listen to what it is our soul is looking for.
I don't think we ever 'arrive' with this skill but we get closer to what it is we are looking for and the gravity that pulls us in the opposite direction seems to lessen it's force.

I am learning that the way I love is perfectly okay and that no one has the right to tell me different.  I love myself and who I am and I don't have to change but rather change when I want to.
I can cry as much as I want to, love as deeply as I want to, and real change only occurs when the desire glows within you.
The real mystery is that I will never know what type of change will begin in me but I am always thankful for the awareness.
peace

Christmas and Resolutions

Walking to my favorite coffee shop with cigarette in hand and listening to the church play Joy to the world through their speakers.

I paused for a moment to think of American's celebration of Christmas.  It still strikes me as odd that we close down many stores for Christmas day but we do nothing for other religious holidays.

I am learning to not place my hope in things that do not last and rather accept things the way they are.  The only constant we have is change itself.

I remember as a child being so excited for Christmas day and it has occurred to me that those things must be let go of in order to remain at peace.  To not put my hope in things to be the way they once were or what I would like them to be but accept things the way they are.

Do not misunderstand me.  I am a person who has often tried to change people or things the way 'I think' they should be (which I recognize as a human tendency); but I have found that there is less suffering in accepting that I cannot change people or even certain 'things' and that 'my way' does not necessarily mean 'better' but different. 

However, I do deserve to live my life the way I want to but I may need to walk away from the familiar in order to do so.  Which is fearsome yet rewarding.

I have walked through several valleys and find that I always arrive on the peak, once I am through.
I am thankful.

As I approach 2013 I look forward to welcoming and celebrating a new chapter.  Health and Happiness is my theme as I set goals and strategies to accomplish the things I want.  I recognize that I have one life to live and that if there are things I want to do before I die, no one is going to hand them to me and I must do them myself.

I am inspired by the many strong women in my life who have stepped outside of the historical traditional mindset of our culture's 'woman' and are following their hearts desire.

I want to be a woman that shows strength in how I am created in my sex and my mind. There is no one else quite like me and I am going to live out loud.

This New Year I plan to focus on finishing school and working at wholefoods; bringing beauty and health into the world.  I plan to practice my sketching; research and redefine beauty in my own way; quit smoking and loving my body in the practice of eating less processed foods and more organic fruits and vegetables in addition to making my muscles stronger to support my lifestyle and accomplish fitness goals such as running a race; Embracing all relationships, allowing my true beauty to be seen by others and honoring that.

These are the things I look forward to bathing myself with.  I have many aspirations before I die but know that if I want to feel as if I have touched any of them I need to build a strategy and let myself be focused.

Thank you for sharing in this with me and if there are other ways in which you would like to share, don't hesitate to get in contact with me.

I send much love to you all and pray for you to see it.

Peace, Holli

Rising from the Deep

I feel like I am rising.  It scares me some. 

If we have sat and spoke then you know the path that I walked, or perhaps crawled through.

This soul suit is old and ragged and is being replaced with a new one. At least that is how I feel. 

I have realized that I have fought for a long time, to appear what others would hope to see and constantly throwing my 'self' to the side.  As the way I saw it, I was only as valuable as others saw me.  Which I understand part of being human is seeking out attention and 'love' from another.  However, there is another part that says, 'there has got to be another way.'  It's such a dualistic sense to feel part of your 'self' fighting to be independent and the other part of you that feels the need to be needed.  It reminds me of a dance with two opposites.  Like fire and ice.  Learning to balance on the head of a needle. 

How is it that we remained balanced? 

Listen.

I have learned listening intuitively to my self.  Delighting in a conversation with my soul and self.  Allowing the ugliness of myself to appear.  My deepest fears allowed to speak.  As Pema Chodron puts it, "leaning into the sharp points." 
Also allowing myself to rejoice in things I find suited.  To not judge my happiness, but to accept myself; for I am no less or more than anyone else. 

As an artist I love that there is an original in each of us.  That there is something beautiful and 'awe-ing' about each of us.  And no one person can be totally understood.  If we are curious enough to let those things strike us. 

What is it that kills our curiosity as we reach adulthood?  I think for me it is fear.  I am afraid that my curiosity will lead to pain.  But it is through our pain that we are awakened to a gift.  But like all gifts, you can not force them, they must be received. 

Life is a continuum of births and death.  Through each death we are able to accept a new life. 

I am accepting my new life and letting go of my death.  Colors seem brighter and life tastes richer.  I am thankful.  And I know this is not the end, but I can only receive the moment for the future has not yet come to pass.

 I am at rest. 

And I wish it upon you as well.

Love. 

Wrestling Angels

I deleted this last post after a few different reasons.

One of them being that I am not emotionally ready to accept what I wrote.  I am learning the honesty of being human and it hurts.  We are all selfish people.

I am still working on the emotional part of the break up and am not ready yet to come to any conclusions as of "why".

However, the conclusions I have come to are that we are all innately selfish people.  Let me expand on this. 

It is innate that in order to survive, we must think of our own well being. What drives us is our desires, and those may come out in different ways.  Now, some of us may have very strong desires because things were withheld from us at an early age and that in order survive we adapeted certain skills. Now that we are adults those survival skills do not benefit us anymore and therefore there is need to relearn how to meet our desires/needs in a more beneficial way.

While the rest of us may have less harmful ways of satisfying these desires,  we all have different preferences of how to do so.  The way I have heard it explained is through coarser and more refined tastes.  As a child you enjoyed koolaid perhaps, but now as an adult you have more refined tastes such as a glass of wine or a nice cold beer on a hot day. Some of us might be okay with meeting our needs one way and others would rather do it a different way.  Either the way, it is your choice in how to do it.  However, I feel that we never stop learning and consistently refine our tastes all the more.  However, we need to get sick of koolaid, before we desire wine. 

Something I have learned is that I have been one to hold myself above others in my "tastes" for life.  Because I thought that my tastes made me a better person. And in part I am still learning this. However just because that guy still likes koolaid and I am drinking wine.  Makes neither of us a better person.  Do I think wine is better? Yes.  But Johnny over there says, "I'm good with my koolaid, thank you."  I cannot force him to drink my wine.  Therefore all I can do is kick the dust off my shoes and move on, offering other people wine to see who will take it.

My hardest lesson: it's not about me.

What I am trying to explain with this analogy is that every action we take is out of selfishness, the difference between us and the felon, is only our preferences as to how we satisfy our needs.

I will leave you with a few quotes..

"There must be a better way of living than depending on another human being."

"It's only when you're sick of your sickness that you'll get out of it"

"Truth is never expressed in words. Truth is sighted suddenly as a result of a certain attitude."

These are things I am wrestling with, and wanted to share with you.
 I feel as though I am wrestling with angels.  I can feel that I want to take the easy way out to satisfy my wants, but I know that if I work for it, I can receive in whole of what I actually want.

Peace.  

-Holli

Abnormal

I just finished my pre-settlement questionaire and am feeling sorry for myself.  I had to recount how my accident has effected me and the struggles it put me through.  Not fun.  I am also having bad reactions to my medication and that is not helping either.  I just need a place to whine and send it out into the universe or the internets...  I realized after writing out this stuff that I have been on the search for a right medication for a year! And still havent found the right one.  I even went to the hospital one day because of it.  I really wish there was a way out.  I feel like I am sitting in the midst of a fire and I want to run but instead I must sit and wait for it to be distinguished.  I feel like the only person I can look to is God to give me patience.  It's tiring to get your hopes up again and again just to be let down. 

Because of this "down" feeling and fatigue, I am constantly in search of something to bring me "up". Because of this I keep reaching for candy and soda.  It does the trick but I am gaining weight.  I am trying to be gentle with myself in this area but it is difficult when I am also trying to lose weight and am defeating it myself.  Its the feeling of trying to succeed at something but you are the one that keeps stopping yourself and you can't help it.  Oh and being broke and not being able to buy healthy food doesn't help either.  Gahhhh!!!!!!

I feel like I need some type of community support.  Or just community in general.  I just want to feel normal again.

Health and Beauty

The sun is out and I have my coffee and listening to some Lissie. 
This reminds me of waking up in my old house and having coffee before I go outside to work in the garden and go for a bike ride.  It's these simple memories that I recall feeling that everying in life for that moment is perfect.  I think it is importanat to recall these moments. 

I am loving hair school and finding myself a little more revealed in my work.  I am choosing to stand alone in what I do and remember I am there for no one but myself.  There is a power I find in creating a sensual piece of work.  And when I say sensual I mean something that grabs your senses and sparks your thoughts.  I have the opportunity to have a photo shoot with a model of my choosing, which is incredible exciting to me.  I feel it's what gives me energy. 

I am discovering that I can make beauty my own.  It is not something that the media sets for you.  You have the power to choose your own definition of beauty.  And it is okay to agree with the media if that's what makes you happy :).  Really beauty is what you make of it.  Some people can just provide you with tools to help.  I think of each individual as a work of art, showing the world their own beauty and that my role as a cosmetologist is providing ways to highlight those things. 

In the means of health, I am finding difficulty losing more weight without causing deprivation.  Therefore I am choosing to continue to take what I have learned with weight watchers and continue my understanding in eating organic and less processed foods and make exercise a priority. 

Through these discoveries I choose to use these things to create a long and happy life for myself.  By loving myself through emotional and physical ways.  And showing others love by dicovering their own beauty inside and out.  This is my life. 

new year new you

I feel it's time for me to write another blog.  I feel a little all over the place which I think is a combination of medication change and being that favorite time of the month.  (That was sarcasm if you couldn't tell.) 
I am realizing more and more that life is what you make it,  You can't choose your cards but you can choose how to play them.  I think it is important to acknowledge your own feelings no matter what kind they are.  It's what you choose to do with them is what makes the difference.  Sometimes I feel that if I ignore any hurt feelings I may have that they will go away or that I "shouldn't" feel hurt about certain things. So my pride gets in the way of any kind of healing.  I tell you what, pride is one of the most dangerous things.  I'm not talking about confidence in yourself.  Confidence is a positive thing.  Pride is refusing to acknowledge something for fear of ruining your own self-image.  Pride is what stands, in most situations, between the healing of yourself and/or between others. 

I'm trying more and more to acknowledge these feelings and to not let them get in the way of me living a life full of love and happiness. 

Along the lines of changing for the better, I have been working alot on my health.  I feel I have been all over the board in this area as far as exercise and nutrition.  I continue to learn the link between brain and body.  There was a time when I was extremely depressed and weighed 225lbs on my 5'6" frame.  When I decided to do something about that, I took matters into my own hands and decided that I needed to eat less fat and to exercise more.  I started running and pretty much cut all fat out of my diet and then began counting calories in and calories out.  At my lowest weight I weighed in at 140lbs, which is a healthy weight for my frame but how I got there and how I was keeping it was not.  I binged and exercised long and hard and occasionally tried to make myself purge my food as well as abused laxatives.  After finally acknowledging I had a problem, I began seeing a therapist, a dietician that specialized in eating disorders and occasionally a doctor to check up on my vitals.  I gained some weight but learned to no longer fear food and that my body has it's own balance and that I need to listen to it and respect it.

I have currently been on Weight Watchers  for about 7 months (?) and have lost 25lbs.  I have also been to physical therapy for my brain injury in addition to some muscle injuries and have learned a lot about my body in general.  From my brain injury doctors I have learned that exercise is one of the best things you can do for your brain.  This gives me hope and motivation to exercise for more than one reason.  For my cognitive function, for depression, and for health. Having gone to a physical therapist and having a boyfriend who is a Physical therapy Assistant.  I have learned that a lot of health problems that occur with age and lifestyle can be prevented simply with exercise.  There is more motivation right there.  Not only did I learn this from my Physical therapist but I have also learned some of my minor aches and pains are because of weak muscles and can be corrected by strengthening them.  These weaknesses may be minor now but could become worse down the road if I remain stagnant. 
Through therapy in the past  I have learned that by the looks of my body means nothing about my character or my importance as a person.  I have learned that food is a pleasure and that I deserve to part-take in it.  After reaching 175lbs I decided to join Weight Watchers and have learned a great deal more about what my body needs.  I have realized that I entertain a great deal of emotional eating.  I have also learned that this is only a quick fix and does not deal with the real issue.  I am learning to comfort and celebrate life in more healthy ways.  But as everyone knows, the longer you have had the habit, the harder it is to break.  But this is where gentleness and patience comes in. 
I am now balancing at 150lbs and doing my best to not worry about it too much and instead focus on listening to my emotional needs and to my hunger signals and feeding my body appropriately but still not forgetting to let myself enjoy the beauty of food. I am also looking to challenge myself with new exercises and being as strong as I can.  I enjoy working out and reaping the benefits.  Therefore I am constantly setting new exercise goals.  I look forward to this lifestyle change. 

I have also been having a great deal of thoughts of starting my own business.  I would like to write about this more but the ideas are more like clouds working on forming into pictures right now. 

I have not forgotten about writing a bookand have not done that yet because it floats around with those clouds upstairs.  However, whatever motivation and enlightenment that I encounter, I will be sure to post here.  Thank you for reading.

Love and peace to you,
Holli Lyons

Happinness

It is two days after Christmas and I am feeling so thankful.  Not because I received more presents than per usual, but because I received less in fact.  This year was the first where we didn't exchange presents with our aunts, cousins, and grandmother.
Alastair and I had gone over to a friends on Christmas Eve to deliver cookies and a few gifts and to see her newborn baby.  It was such a gift to see this new life and hold him in my arms.  What was even better was to see the joy in the new mother and how proud she was of this small child that had accomplished nothing but entering into this world.  What a gift life is.
We went from there over to my mother's where we enjoyed prime rib, twice baked potatoes, green bean casserole and chocolate cheesecake for dessert.  It was such a treat just to sit with them and share a delicious meal.  Afterwards we chatted for a bit and then exchanged gifts.  I received a wonderful electric blanket and a beautiful gold bracelet from Alastair.  And a pair of shears from my mother and a new vacuum for Alastair and I.  It was the first year where we didn't write out wish lists and instead just gave each other gifts. 
In the past, since I was a child we have always wrote out Christmas lists and hoped that our most desired gift would be given to us, and if it wasn't then we were greatly disappointed.  When did giving gifts become a demand in expectation?  This year, having no expectation for anything and simply receiving had made me the most grateful.  This has helped me to realize that having set expectations and not receiving them is a recipe for depression.

This year I was not able to make it to my grandmother's house on Christmas day because Alastair and I had to catch a ferry.  Although I was disappointed that I would not see them, I became thankful that I did get to spend so much time with Alastair's family and play with his nephews.  This is not something I expected but instead was purely open to.  It's amazing how the absence of material gifts and expectations can really free you.

I have not been this at peace or joyful about life in a long time.  And this time it is coming from inside of me rather than an outside source.  I am learning to expect less and less and instead give more of myself to create my own happiness.
On a side note, I have had a few people ask me what I am going to school for and when I say Cosmetology there seems to be this loss for words as I feel that they look at that education as not something to be held in good standards.  I understand that society views being a doctor and being a hairdresser on two totally different levels.  And I can see those things as well.  However, my degree or career does not determine the kind of person I am.  I could have a doctorate and be an asshole.
I feel as though I have found my niche.  I love art and I love sharing it with people and this has become the perfect avenue for me.  And I feel personally, if you are loving what you do, you will be successful.  I understand I may not be "rich" one day.  But I want to succeed at this art and make people happy through it.

It is such a good feeling to use your own skills to make someone feel good about themselves.
I am in love with life and am not going to take it for granted.
Much love and Peace to you all,
Holli Lyons

The excitement in letting go.

I'm sitting at my computer as I listen to Christmas music by Over the Rhine, and the smell of tea and turkey soup surround the air.  I feel at peace and creative.

I had my last day of work at Peet's and it was a bitter-sweet feeling.  I realized that that is the place where I built a lot of wonderful relationships with people that I love and that have been part of my ever-changing molding process.  I have also been somewhat scared as I delve into a life of unemployment and merging of relying on my savings and trusting Alastair.  In this process I have gained the knowledge that I am a bit of a control freak.  In all honesty, I intellectually comprehend that I really have no control over anything, but I enjoy the illusion that I do. (Sigh.)
However, I have also experienced the peace of letting go.  The peace doesn't come until after you do let go.
I know, 'damn' is right.
But once I've experienced it I feel like I can take a little more risks and continue to move forward into the person I want to be. 

In this new venture of temporary unemployment I look forward to a routine of fitness, baking, reading, and my most exciting one yet; writing my own book  I have craved to write a book for quite some time and now I am actually going to begin to dabble.  There is a strong glow of excitement that ignites when I think of the idea of creating my own story.  I have yet to truly fetch my focus of this story and paint what it looks like but it will happen.  I will begin with small sketches and see what emerges.

I have also recently discovered or perhaps accepted, that I am an adult.  I no longer depend on someone to follow me into what I long to discover.  I am not afraid to go alone.  I am okay with having a different opinion than everyone else and doing things differently.  My first priority is to love myself, because out of that I can love others freely instead of expecting them to fill a need that only I can fill.
I recently had a conversation with a friend about relationships, and she had asked me if Alastair was the one that I envisioned myself being with, and I said no.  I love Alastair with all my heart.  But in my fantasy state of dreaming of Mr. Perfect, I realized a few things as I look back now.  1) Mr. Perfect doesn't exist.  2) In all reality, Mr. Perfect is who I wanted someone to see in me.

In my relationship with Alastair, I have found that I am the one who can only make me truly happy.  That is not to say that he doesn't make me happy, because he does.  It seems, that because we desire to make this relationship work and that we have both fallen in love with eachothers' heart, that we therefore can let the other teach us how to better love ourselves.  I am not sure if Alastair would word it this way.  But I know this is how I feel about it.  Sometimes there is a part of ourselves that likes to 'give' in order to 'receive' and I know that I am guilty of that.  And through conversations with Alastair I have seen this.  In a way, being in a committed relationship is like having someone hold a mirror in front of you.   To see the good and the bad.  I have also learned through Alastair, of how beautiful and worthy of love I am.  This is one of the greatest gifts of being with him.  He has taught me to see these things in myself and I am thankful for that.
That is not to say that you can't find these things without a partnership but either way, you need to work at it,
 And God.

I had a conversation with some ladies not to long ago about God.  And my definition was with a reference from Shakespeare.  I don't think we realize how much of a barrier language is, sometimes.  "Would a rose, by any other name still smell as sweet?"
If you call something by another name, does it change it's form or essence?  Does it matter if I call him God, Higher Power, Energy, Love, Buddha?  It is up to no-one else to decide what I believe or how I address my Higher Power.  Although, because I am most familiar with Jesus and the Bible, I will continue to explore those things as they see fit.  But that does not mean I turn down other "names."  I do my best to look into everything before I have an opinion.  However, because I am human, I fail at this often. But this is my aim.

I cannot help but be attracted to Jesus.  He feed the hungry and stood against the majority and spoke to people who were outcasts.  Whether this is fact or fiction, my heart cannot deny the feeling of being moved.  It seems to me that truth is something you have to weigh and be open to.  And remember that we all do not speak the same language.  If we could know absolute truth than we would be perfect.


Peace to you,
Holli


EDIT

I fear, I have downplayed how wonderful Alastair is in fear of not to step on anyone's toes for not having an Alastair in their life.   But in remembering my favorite quote by Nelson Mandella; "There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." "When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

Therefore, I want to add that I am truly blessed to have someone who is so devoted to and patient to me.  Whom I can share my thoughts, ideas, tears, and laughter with.  There is a certain treasure in finding someone who you can share your most innermost being with.  
However, that being said.  Who is not to say that you can't find it another way?  I have found mine and will continue to.  I have faith that you can find yours too and continue in it. 

May the Peace of Love surpass all understanding.

Wow, I feel like I have a day off when really I have to leave for work in 45 minutes.  I am really enjoying AVEDA but I am tired.  I am there Monday through Wednesday for 10 hours a day.  And I travel by bus so that is an extra hour or two you are adding on there.  I barely have time to make dinner, do some homework and then go straight to to bed.  I love everything I am learning there but it is intense.  I am finding that planning out my weeks ahead of time is needed.  I have gotten behind on some of my homework because I have not had time to keep up because if I'm not at school then I am at work or I am trying to catch up on errands and sleep.  I am not complaining though, just voicing.  Usually I would be well stressed about these things, but I would rather recognize the challenge, let it go and do it differently next time.  Life is to short to let things the little things stress you out.  Enjoy Today. 
It is interesting though that when you are run ragged like this, how the little things seems to be the most pleasing.  This morning being able to wake up next to Alastair and just snuggle up beside him, made me the happiest person.  I did not have to leave right away or do anything right away, I could just lay there and snuggle beside him and feel that my world is perfect.  It's those kind of moments that I live for. 
To just be able to sit here and write all of this is another joyous moment.  I am at peace. 

Some things that I am gathering from my AVEDA experience that I would like to share is that I am learning how much "the little things"  really can change someones day.  It seems that for myself and a lot of other people I know, that there is often this feeling that you are running to stand still.  That we are all trying to "arrive"  somewhere, in actuality we have already arrived and at the same time never will arrive.  I am reminded of the Nelson Mandella quote and that we really are afraid of our own strength.  We don't like being responsible and therefore it is easier to not say anything.  Just a smile to someone or saying hello, or treating yourself to a massage that you don't want to waste the money on because you feel you don't "need" it.  Those things speak to us experientially and like it or not, we learn through our experience, or at least it is the largest way we can impact ourselves or someone else.  Just by doing something so little can mean a bigger thing to someone else. 

"We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"  "There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." "When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Pamper yourself, you deserve it.   And by doing it, you help others to recognize that they deserve the same. 

Love and peace to you

Existential

Two hours until I need to catch the bus to Capitol Hill, and 1 hour until I need to take a shower and get myself all dolled up.
Today is the day for the Aveda Meet and Greet.  I did my usual routine of getting up with Alastair this morning and bought him a cinnamon roll and coffee for breakfast.  I usually make him a lunch to take with but my headache got the best of me.  All last night my head had been singing a dull pain and so I finally took some meds for it this morning and the song ceased.  It is such a great feeling.  I then went back to bed, after he left for work and didn't awake until 12pm.  I have been really taking in the sweet comfort of not having to get up right away and just relaxing.  That has been something that is most often quite difficult for me to do, but there is such rejuvenation in just resting ones body and mind. 

When I did awake I had one of those nagging sour feelings that were beckoning for my attention.  This is something that I only recently learned, that I need to listen to those feelings or they end up exploding later on someone else, or on me. 

So as I prepared for my day I decided to take a walk down to Crossroads clothing store and see if I can sell some items.  While I walked I also grabbed a coffee and let my thoughts wonder.  It is during these times where I feel most peaceful.  It's almost like I have a ball of twine bundled up inside of me, and as I walk I let it unwind.  These times are so beautiful to me.

As I walked I began to think of Aveda and of my last therapy appointment yesterday.  Yesterday, I was told by my therapist that 'I am holding a lot right now.'  I see that I am too, but what I heard from her is that she thinks I could benefit some more with staying with her.  I don't really doubt that, but I think part of me is worried that I made a mistake.  It seems she was trying to make sure that I knew when I should come back.  And I feel that it's one of those times you just know.  Perhaps she was inadvertently casting her worries on me and I was picking them up as my own?  I feel that may be to case.  However, I feel that only time can wash these things out. 
I am always asking a lot of questions about life in general.  And I feel part of that has been because my experiences had lead me there.  But I feel, as long as I am taking care of myself, I will be fine.  As long as I am taking the time I need to ask these questions and to listen for answers.  Things will be okay.  And I know if I feel overwhelmed, I will go back.  In some way, I feel there is not much I can receive from therapy at this time.  And that is something only I can know.
Before I go on about Aveda, I would like to tell you what started all of these thoughts
I believe what my therapist said to me yesterday, carried into my dreams.  We talked about why I had first began to see her, and that was before my accident, and then I remembered it was 3 months before that my dad had passed away.  I still feel that there is a lot of myself wrapped up in that still that I do not know how to touch.  But I also know that it will come in its own time.  This morning I had awoken to a pressure in my chest for the need to sob.  And that is because I was dreaming that I was working at Peets and my grandmother came in.  However, I did not recognize her at first because it had been so long since I had seen her, and I knew that sometimes I would mistaken someone for someone that I knew.  However, she approached me and said "Hello Holli"  at that moment I began to reach over the counter to hug her and found myself awake in bed, wanting to sob.  This was my dad's mom whom I had saw last when I went to her house to collect some of my dad's things.  She came and visited me in the hospital but I do not remember. 
I was carrying those feelings with me today as I walked and remembering how fleeting life is and that I feel some yearning to not 'miss out' on any of my family, because you never know when you or they may leave you. 
However, I realize too, that I cannot give up living my life so that I don't "miss" anything.  There is nothing I can do to keep people from leaving me.  But I can keep myself from leaving me.  It has come to my understanding lately that we really cannot save anyone or keep bad things happenning.  We can only sit with ourselves and others in the midst of the pain. 
Anger is a rightful emotion, and almost always comes out of pain or feelings of threat behind it.  Pain is a part of life. "the rain falls on everyone."  It is through pain that we are able to experience life more richly. 
I feel that it is through experiencing pain, that I am able to understand love.  I am not saying that we all deserve pain or that we should be spreading it in order that other people can learn love.  NO.   What I am saying is through my own collective understanding, that through the pain and sorrow in my life, my love for myself and other grows deeper. 
Which brings me to the question of, "Where did we learn how to love?"  Is this a survival of the fittest strategy?  Perhaps.  Or is this what it means, "to be made in God's image"  I don't know.  Or maybe it is a combination.  One thing is for sure, Love is very powerful and cannot always be heard when we want it to.  But it is the best thing life has to offer.

I have been thinking lately as my thoughts on god re-emerse.  I am thinking of actually picking up the Bible and not reading it literally as I once did.  To think of it that way brings me anger, and that anger is stemmed of feelings in punishment.  I used to read the bible to punish myself for being human.  I am now deciding maybe it's time to read it in light of a fairytale and see where it takes me. 

Oh and as far as Aveda goes, I go back and forth between this being a good decision or not.  But I remind myself that my money is not only used to give away to others but also give to myself.  Giving myself this opportunity I feel is an adventure.  I am diving in to something I used to set below me because I felt I could not compare.  However, this is something I am proving to myself that I am worth it, that I can have fun, and that I can investigate beauty in a different light and share what I come out with.

Peace to you.

Holli