Maitri

I feel like my words are dripping this morning. And yet am not sure how to form them yet.

I feel a lot like God has been speaking to me lately.  My heart has been opening more and more as I have been in my present relationship.  I have been realizing how selfish I can be which makes me sad and longing to be a more loving person to myself and others.  It never feels good to learn these things about yourself and yet I am empowered knowing that I have the ability to change it and become more
Christ like.

I have also been thinking a lot about my Explore year and my time in Montana.  This weather tends to have that affect on me some.  However, as I look back and remember how much I had grown and how much love was shown between all of us.  When you live in such a tight knit community that you see everyday, it is difficult to escape yourself.  And perhaps that is part of the reason I left, in part in realizing there were my past demons that I did not know of until I spoke with a Therapist.

I am working more and more to be content with who I am and love myself and others regardless as to my expectation I may hold against myself and the people in my life. 

I believe this may be why I am so attracted to Bhuddism.  It speaks to me about things like Maitri; Loving kindness towards oneself.  I truly believe that if you can love yourself with honesty and curiosity, it will flow into lives of others.  However, I firmly believe that giving of yourself  can help you see more of your self.  The key is, is that we can always learn from our present moment and walk away with love. 

This is beyond difficult for me as my ideals become my obstacles and I forget that my opportunity to love is 'now' and not when I have all the right tools within reach. 
The life I long for is now and in my future and that success lies within an open palm and not a clenched hand. 

The memories I adore the most is when I was alive in that present moment, and I find myself constantly reaching for that exact time, when really, I can create another one by simply resting in the one I'm in. 

By all means, I have dreams and aspirations like everyone else, but I don't need to wait to begin working on them. 

I read an excerpt of something I wrote during the time my dad was in the hopital in 2008 and it brought me hope of love and a reminder to Rest.  Here it is

There's been a turn in my heart.

I visited my dad with my sister and nate on monday. He didn't look well, but I was prepared for that. He is very sick and continued to forget things while we were there. At one point while we were there he just began to cry. I felt like I was looking at a child and not a full grown man, and my heart ached for him. My heart ached for him because I could tell how much he just wanted to be loved, how much he just needed someone to love him, and I am not sure if he will ever see how to get that for himself. I can see how he wanted me to take care of him so much when I was younger. It only hurts me that he cannot seem to find the key to love himself. So all I can think of is, is to love him out of myself, no matter what; and still loving myself all the while.

On the way home from visiting my dad, I cried in the car with in front of my sister. I am not used to letting my sister see me cry nor letting her comfort me, but it felt like something I had to do. I found myself wishing that I were closer with her, closer with my dad, and closer to my mother. I wish we had all been closer together and there hadn't been so much pain to seperate us from the love. I realized through my tears that how precious time is. That the time I have right now is a gift and how it can slip so quickly through your fingers. I realized how much I have been running forward trying to catch up to the past. trying to catch my lost childhood, trying to makeup for lost time, and feelings of guilt and failure, when all I have right now is the present. In realizing this, I have decided to make the most of the time, and just focus on right here, right now. And when I feel change calling I will listen and give wisdom to it.

I am going to set up a care conference with my dad, so I know how to make the most of my time.

I am also going to stop worrying about school at the moment and think about what I would like to do right now. And just let things fall into place. School is not going anywhere.

But I might be :)

What is that verse about worrying? Do not worry about tomorrow because there is enough cares for today.

This is fitting.

love to you all and Merry Christmas.

Let the feeling of longing fill your heart, and see what it is you long for.

Luke 2: 8-12 There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God's angel stood among them and God's glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, "Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David's town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you're to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger."