Maitri

I feel like my words are dripping this morning. And yet am not sure how to form them yet.

I feel a lot like God has been speaking to me lately.  My heart has been opening more and more as I have been in my present relationship.  I have been realizing how selfish I can be which makes me sad and longing to be a more loving person to myself and others.  It never feels good to learn these things about yourself and yet I am empowered knowing that I have the ability to change it and become more
Christ like.

I have also been thinking a lot about my Explore year and my time in Montana.  This weather tends to have that affect on me some.  However, as I look back and remember how much I had grown and how much love was shown between all of us.  When you live in such a tight knit community that you see everyday, it is difficult to escape yourself.  And perhaps that is part of the reason I left, in part in realizing there were my past demons that I did not know of until I spoke with a Therapist.

I am working more and more to be content with who I am and love myself and others regardless as to my expectation I may hold against myself and the people in my life. 

I believe this may be why I am so attracted to Bhuddism.  It speaks to me about things like Maitri; Loving kindness towards oneself.  I truly believe that if you can love yourself with honesty and curiosity, it will flow into lives of others.  However, I firmly believe that giving of yourself  can help you see more of your self.  The key is, is that we can always learn from our present moment and walk away with love. 

This is beyond difficult for me as my ideals become my obstacles and I forget that my opportunity to love is 'now' and not when I have all the right tools within reach. 
The life I long for is now and in my future and that success lies within an open palm and not a clenched hand. 

The memories I adore the most is when I was alive in that present moment, and I find myself constantly reaching for that exact time, when really, I can create another one by simply resting in the one I'm in. 

By all means, I have dreams and aspirations like everyone else, but I don't need to wait to begin working on them. 

I read an excerpt of something I wrote during the time my dad was in the hopital in 2008 and it brought me hope of love and a reminder to Rest.  Here it is

There's been a turn in my heart.

I visited my dad with my sister and nate on monday. He didn't look well, but I was prepared for that. He is very sick and continued to forget things while we were there. At one point while we were there he just began to cry. I felt like I was looking at a child and not a full grown man, and my heart ached for him. My heart ached for him because I could tell how much he just wanted to be loved, how much he just needed someone to love him, and I am not sure if he will ever see how to get that for himself. I can see how he wanted me to take care of him so much when I was younger. It only hurts me that he cannot seem to find the key to love himself. So all I can think of is, is to love him out of myself, no matter what; and still loving myself all the while.

On the way home from visiting my dad, I cried in the car with in front of my sister. I am not used to letting my sister see me cry nor letting her comfort me, but it felt like something I had to do. I found myself wishing that I were closer with her, closer with my dad, and closer to my mother. I wish we had all been closer together and there hadn't been so much pain to seperate us from the love. I realized through my tears that how precious time is. That the time I have right now is a gift and how it can slip so quickly through your fingers. I realized how much I have been running forward trying to catch up to the past. trying to catch my lost childhood, trying to makeup for lost time, and feelings of guilt and failure, when all I have right now is the present. In realizing this, I have decided to make the most of the time, and just focus on right here, right now. And when I feel change calling I will listen and give wisdom to it.

I am going to set up a care conference with my dad, so I know how to make the most of my time.

I am also going to stop worrying about school at the moment and think about what I would like to do right now. And just let things fall into place. School is not going anywhere.

But I might be :)

What is that verse about worrying? Do not worry about tomorrow because there is enough cares for today.

This is fitting.

love to you all and Merry Christmas.

Let the feeling of longing fill your heart, and see what it is you long for.

Luke 2: 8-12 There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God's angel stood among them and God's glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, "Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David's town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you're to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger."

Loving wisdom

Do you ever wonder when someone or something is going to wake you up?  When you will be rescued from the thick fog you tread through?
I find my soul yearning in this question more often than not.  And when I reveal to myself that it is me who is in my way, I become angry with myself and rendezvous back to where I started. 

I think a good portion of this problem lies within my lack of patience with myself. 
We are all followed by our past and there are plenty of times that I convince myself to run fast enough that it will not catch up.  Well that's a lie friends.

I was reminded by a friend that healing only comes through befriending your past.  Often times my pride takes me by the hand yelling behind us, "Try and catch us!"  and I grasp her hand and ride that wave of rebellion until I crash hard on the sandy shores of my humble childhood to meet the girl that was once me. 

It's hard to be with her because she is always crying. That is what my pride says.  But there is another part of me that wants to be with my pride and the little girl.  This part of me is my loving wisdom.  I don't know where she comes from but she's always there, the difficult part is quieting myself long enough to hear her. 
She walks with grace and peace, carrying only love.  She's always willing to give love to me. She is beautiful and everything that I want to be. She is me. 

She is me. 

All that I chase and long for is in me. 

I am perfect as I am. 

Listen.  

"In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die And where you invest your love, you invest your life"

"In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life"

This lyric is from Mumford and Sons and it's called Awake my Soul.

Sometimes I forget that it's okay to be me.  In fact, I hold my most powerful self when I am 'me.'
My teacher read to my class the '7 lovely logics.'

7 Lovely Logics

1. Make peace with your past so it doesn’t spoil your present.
2. What others think about you is none of your business.
3. Time heals almost everything,give the time, some time.
4. Don’t compare your life with other’s you have no idea what their journey is all about.
5. No one is a reason of your happiness except yourself.
6. Stop thinking too much its alright not to know all the answers.
7. Smile, you don’t own all the problems of the world.

 These all struck a strong chord within me. I love number 2 and number 4. 
I am reminded of Pema Chodron.

"Learning how to be kind to ourselves is important. When we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn’t just ourselves that we’re discovering. We’re discovering the universe. When we discover the buddha that we are, we realize that everything and everyone is Buddha. We discover that everything is awake, and everyone is awake. Everything and everyone is precious and whole and good. When we regard thoughts and emotions with humor and openness, that’s how we perceive the universe."
(Comfortable with Uncertainty)

I know that I am a very sensitive person and that I can falter and wear more emotions on my sleeve than I would have liked but that is the life I have been given.  It is my cross to bear and no one else's.  This is my life to live and my choices.  No one can control my happiness but me. I have to tell myself these things to remind myself.  

I would like to leave this world knowing that the things I have experienced and learned have left a positive ripple in this story we all call life.  That I may give birth to positive change.  This is my mission.  I am still figuring it out but I know that each day is an opportunity to learn and awaken my soul.  I would like to learn to love myself a little more than I did the day before and be able to have the love pour out of myself and to others. 

I think the most difficult thing for me to remember is something I learned when I was in college; 

'Do not give the answer if they're are not asking the question.'  

My desire to help can turn into what I think is a rescue situation and that person may not want to be rescued at all.  
I can only save myself and that is what I need to stick with and let the Divine allow me to witness my impact on others, rather than trying to create it.  
Yes.  
As I write I realize that I want to create myself as indispensable in the eyes of others.  
That is impossible. 
I am only indispensable to myself and must realize that I may have the opportunity to taste the sweetness of answered prayers and my helpfulness in another's life. For I cannot make some one experience my own sense but I can share what I know when they ask the question.  
It is such a prideful thing to think that I can change another.  

The only person I can change is myself and hope to answer another.  

I see what a gift it is now to be able to help another. To realize that in a sense I am being allowed to 'walk on holy ground.'  However, in order walk I must remove my shoes of pride.  

I feel I have been awakened in these moments.  And I am thankful to share them with you.

Peace to you my friends

Holli

Awareness

This song seems fairly relevant to how I am feeling and processing.
I am learning much about living my own life in addition to what it means to be in an intimate relationship with another.

I have discovered that through my life at bible college I adopted this understanding that my self worth should be non existent in order to be "holy as your heavenly father is holy." And there is still this growth of expectancy that lies inside of me, informing me that in order to nurture the expansion of love in myself and others, I must bury the very essence of myself.
All of the repeating "I die to myself to live as Christ"  I understood as not allowing myself to be loved.
However, love will find a way.

It is a mystery that love is a necessity as it is not something that we can quite grasp with our senses in order to comprehend as one of our most basic life source.
I find that without the knowledge of love and what it means in my own individual life, it comes out in ways that are not always healthy.
I truly believe that this is a human capacity and the cause of most incidents of violence and emotional pain.
I find that the beautiful mess that life creates begins in the dangerous awe of relationships and through introspection and meditation we can listen to what it is our soul is looking for.
I don't think we ever 'arrive' with this skill but we get closer to what it is we are looking for and the gravity that pulls us in the opposite direction seems to lessen it's force.

I am learning that the way I love is perfectly okay and that no one has the right to tell me different.  I love myself and who I am and I don't have to change but rather change when I want to.
I can cry as much as I want to, love as deeply as I want to, and real change only occurs when the desire glows within you.
The real mystery is that I will never know what type of change will begin in me but I am always thankful for the awareness.
peace

Christmas and Resolutions

Walking to my favorite coffee shop with cigarette in hand and listening to the church play Joy to the world through their speakers.

I paused for a moment to think of American's celebration of Christmas.  It still strikes me as odd that we close down many stores for Christmas day but we do nothing for other religious holidays.

I am learning to not place my hope in things that do not last and rather accept things the way they are.  The only constant we have is change itself.

I remember as a child being so excited for Christmas day and it has occurred to me that those things must be let go of in order to remain at peace.  To not put my hope in things to be the way they once were or what I would like them to be but accept things the way they are.

Do not misunderstand me.  I am a person who has often tried to change people or things the way 'I think' they should be (which I recognize as a human tendency); but I have found that there is less suffering in accepting that I cannot change people or even certain 'things' and that 'my way' does not necessarily mean 'better' but different. 

However, I do deserve to live my life the way I want to but I may need to walk away from the familiar in order to do so.  Which is fearsome yet rewarding.

I have walked through several valleys and find that I always arrive on the peak, once I am through.
I am thankful.

As I approach 2013 I look forward to welcoming and celebrating a new chapter.  Health and Happiness is my theme as I set goals and strategies to accomplish the things I want.  I recognize that I have one life to live and that if there are things I want to do before I die, no one is going to hand them to me and I must do them myself.

I am inspired by the many strong women in my life who have stepped outside of the historical traditional mindset of our culture's 'woman' and are following their hearts desire.

I want to be a woman that shows strength in how I am created in my sex and my mind. There is no one else quite like me and I am going to live out loud.

This New Year I plan to focus on finishing school and working at wholefoods; bringing beauty and health into the world.  I plan to practice my sketching; research and redefine beauty in my own way; quit smoking and loving my body in the practice of eating less processed foods and more organic fruits and vegetables in addition to making my muscles stronger to support my lifestyle and accomplish fitness goals such as running a race; Embracing all relationships, allowing my true beauty to be seen by others and honoring that.

These are the things I look forward to bathing myself with.  I have many aspirations before I die but know that if I want to feel as if I have touched any of them I need to build a strategy and let myself be focused.

Thank you for sharing in this with me and if there are other ways in which you would like to share, don't hesitate to get in contact with me.

I send much love to you all and pray for you to see it.

Peace, Holli

Rising from the Deep

I feel like I am rising.  It scares me some. 

If we have sat and spoke then you know the path that I walked, or perhaps crawled through.

This soul suit is old and ragged and is being replaced with a new one. At least that is how I feel. 

I have realized that I have fought for a long time, to appear what others would hope to see and constantly throwing my 'self' to the side.  As the way I saw it, I was only as valuable as others saw me.  Which I understand part of being human is seeking out attention and 'love' from another.  However, there is another part that says, 'there has got to be another way.'  It's such a dualistic sense to feel part of your 'self' fighting to be independent and the other part of you that feels the need to be needed.  It reminds me of a dance with two opposites.  Like fire and ice.  Learning to balance on the head of a needle. 

How is it that we remained balanced? 

Listen.

I have learned listening intuitively to my self.  Delighting in a conversation with my soul and self.  Allowing the ugliness of myself to appear.  My deepest fears allowed to speak.  As Pema Chodron puts it, "leaning into the sharp points." 
Also allowing myself to rejoice in things I find suited.  To not judge my happiness, but to accept myself; for I am no less or more than anyone else. 

As an artist I love that there is an original in each of us.  That there is something beautiful and 'awe-ing' about each of us.  And no one person can be totally understood.  If we are curious enough to let those things strike us. 

What is it that kills our curiosity as we reach adulthood?  I think for me it is fear.  I am afraid that my curiosity will lead to pain.  But it is through our pain that we are awakened to a gift.  But like all gifts, you can not force them, they must be received. 

Life is a continuum of births and death.  Through each death we are able to accept a new life. 

I am accepting my new life and letting go of my death.  Colors seem brighter and life tastes richer.  I am thankful.  And I know this is not the end, but I can only receive the moment for the future has not yet come to pass.

 I am at rest. 

And I wish it upon you as well.

Love. 

Wrestling Angels

I deleted this last post after a few different reasons.

One of them being that I am not emotionally ready to accept what I wrote.  I am learning the honesty of being human and it hurts.  We are all selfish people.

I am still working on the emotional part of the break up and am not ready yet to come to any conclusions as of "why".

However, the conclusions I have come to are that we are all innately selfish people.  Let me expand on this. 

It is innate that in order to survive, we must think of our own well being. What drives us is our desires, and those may come out in different ways.  Now, some of us may have very strong desires because things were withheld from us at an early age and that in order survive we adapeted certain skills. Now that we are adults those survival skills do not benefit us anymore and therefore there is need to relearn how to meet our desires/needs in a more beneficial way.

While the rest of us may have less harmful ways of satisfying these desires,  we all have different preferences of how to do so.  The way I have heard it explained is through coarser and more refined tastes.  As a child you enjoyed koolaid perhaps, but now as an adult you have more refined tastes such as a glass of wine or a nice cold beer on a hot day. Some of us might be okay with meeting our needs one way and others would rather do it a different way.  Either the way, it is your choice in how to do it.  However, I feel that we never stop learning and consistently refine our tastes all the more.  However, we need to get sick of koolaid, before we desire wine. 

Something I have learned is that I have been one to hold myself above others in my "tastes" for life.  Because I thought that my tastes made me a better person. And in part I am still learning this. However just because that guy still likes koolaid and I am drinking wine.  Makes neither of us a better person.  Do I think wine is better? Yes.  But Johnny over there says, "I'm good with my koolaid, thank you."  I cannot force him to drink my wine.  Therefore all I can do is kick the dust off my shoes and move on, offering other people wine to see who will take it.

My hardest lesson: it's not about me.

What I am trying to explain with this analogy is that every action we take is out of selfishness, the difference between us and the felon, is only our preferences as to how we satisfy our needs.

I will leave you with a few quotes..

"There must be a better way of living than depending on another human being."

"It's only when you're sick of your sickness that you'll get out of it"

"Truth is never expressed in words. Truth is sighted suddenly as a result of a certain attitude."

These are things I am wrestling with, and wanted to share with you.
 I feel as though I am wrestling with angels.  I can feel that I want to take the easy way out to satisfy my wants, but I know that if I work for it, I can receive in whole of what I actually want.

Peace.  

-Holli

Abnormal

I just finished my pre-settlement questionaire and am feeling sorry for myself.  I had to recount how my accident has effected me and the struggles it put me through.  Not fun.  I am also having bad reactions to my medication and that is not helping either.  I just need a place to whine and send it out into the universe or the internets...  I realized after writing out this stuff that I have been on the search for a right medication for a year! And still havent found the right one.  I even went to the hospital one day because of it.  I really wish there was a way out.  I feel like I am sitting in the midst of a fire and I want to run but instead I must sit and wait for it to be distinguished.  I feel like the only person I can look to is God to give me patience.  It's tiring to get your hopes up again and again just to be let down. 

Because of this "down" feeling and fatigue, I am constantly in search of something to bring me "up". Because of this I keep reaching for candy and soda.  It does the trick but I am gaining weight.  I am trying to be gentle with myself in this area but it is difficult when I am also trying to lose weight and am defeating it myself.  Its the feeling of trying to succeed at something but you are the one that keeps stopping yourself and you can't help it.  Oh and being broke and not being able to buy healthy food doesn't help either.  Gahhhh!!!!!!

I feel like I need some type of community support.  Or just community in general.  I just want to feel normal again.

Health and Beauty

The sun is out and I have my coffee and listening to some Lissie. 
This reminds me of waking up in my old house and having coffee before I go outside to work in the garden and go for a bike ride.  It's these simple memories that I recall feeling that everying in life for that moment is perfect.  I think it is importanat to recall these moments. 

I am loving hair school and finding myself a little more revealed in my work.  I am choosing to stand alone in what I do and remember I am there for no one but myself.  There is a power I find in creating a sensual piece of work.  And when I say sensual I mean something that grabs your senses and sparks your thoughts.  I have the opportunity to have a photo shoot with a model of my choosing, which is incredible exciting to me.  I feel it's what gives me energy. 

I am discovering that I can make beauty my own.  It is not something that the media sets for you.  You have the power to choose your own definition of beauty.  And it is okay to agree with the media if that's what makes you happy :).  Really beauty is what you make of it.  Some people can just provide you with tools to help.  I think of each individual as a work of art, showing the world their own beauty and that my role as a cosmetologist is providing ways to highlight those things. 

In the means of health, I am finding difficulty losing more weight without causing deprivation.  Therefore I am choosing to continue to take what I have learned with weight watchers and continue my understanding in eating organic and less processed foods and make exercise a priority. 

Through these discoveries I choose to use these things to create a long and happy life for myself.  By loving myself through emotional and physical ways.  And showing others love by dicovering their own beauty inside and out.  This is my life. 

new year new you

I feel it's time for me to write another blog.  I feel a little all over the place which I think is a combination of medication change and being that favorite time of the month.  (That was sarcasm if you couldn't tell.) 
I am realizing more and more that life is what you make it,  You can't choose your cards but you can choose how to play them.  I think it is important to acknowledge your own feelings no matter what kind they are.  It's what you choose to do with them is what makes the difference.  Sometimes I feel that if I ignore any hurt feelings I may have that they will go away or that I "shouldn't" feel hurt about certain things. So my pride gets in the way of any kind of healing.  I tell you what, pride is one of the most dangerous things.  I'm not talking about confidence in yourself.  Confidence is a positive thing.  Pride is refusing to acknowledge something for fear of ruining your own self-image.  Pride is what stands, in most situations, between the healing of yourself and/or between others. 

I'm trying more and more to acknowledge these feelings and to not let them get in the way of me living a life full of love and happiness. 

Along the lines of changing for the better, I have been working alot on my health.  I feel I have been all over the board in this area as far as exercise and nutrition.  I continue to learn the link between brain and body.  There was a time when I was extremely depressed and weighed 225lbs on my 5'6" frame.  When I decided to do something about that, I took matters into my own hands and decided that I needed to eat less fat and to exercise more.  I started running and pretty much cut all fat out of my diet and then began counting calories in and calories out.  At my lowest weight I weighed in at 140lbs, which is a healthy weight for my frame but how I got there and how I was keeping it was not.  I binged and exercised long and hard and occasionally tried to make myself purge my food as well as abused laxatives.  After finally acknowledging I had a problem, I began seeing a therapist, a dietician that specialized in eating disorders and occasionally a doctor to check up on my vitals.  I gained some weight but learned to no longer fear food and that my body has it's own balance and that I need to listen to it and respect it.

I have currently been on Weight Watchers  for about 7 months (?) and have lost 25lbs.  I have also been to physical therapy for my brain injury in addition to some muscle injuries and have learned a lot about my body in general.  From my brain injury doctors I have learned that exercise is one of the best things you can do for your brain.  This gives me hope and motivation to exercise for more than one reason.  For my cognitive function, for depression, and for health. Having gone to a physical therapist and having a boyfriend who is a Physical therapy Assistant.  I have learned that a lot of health problems that occur with age and lifestyle can be prevented simply with exercise.  There is more motivation right there.  Not only did I learn this from my Physical therapist but I have also learned some of my minor aches and pains are because of weak muscles and can be corrected by strengthening them.  These weaknesses may be minor now but could become worse down the road if I remain stagnant. 
Through therapy in the past  I have learned that by the looks of my body means nothing about my character or my importance as a person.  I have learned that food is a pleasure and that I deserve to part-take in it.  After reaching 175lbs I decided to join Weight Watchers and have learned a great deal more about what my body needs.  I have realized that I entertain a great deal of emotional eating.  I have also learned that this is only a quick fix and does not deal with the real issue.  I am learning to comfort and celebrate life in more healthy ways.  But as everyone knows, the longer you have had the habit, the harder it is to break.  But this is where gentleness and patience comes in. 
I am now balancing at 150lbs and doing my best to not worry about it too much and instead focus on listening to my emotional needs and to my hunger signals and feeding my body appropriately but still not forgetting to let myself enjoy the beauty of food. I am also looking to challenge myself with new exercises and being as strong as I can.  I enjoy working out and reaping the benefits.  Therefore I am constantly setting new exercise goals.  I look forward to this lifestyle change. 

I have also been having a great deal of thoughts of starting my own business.  I would like to write about this more but the ideas are more like clouds working on forming into pictures right now. 

I have not forgotten about writing a bookand have not done that yet because it floats around with those clouds upstairs.  However, whatever motivation and enlightenment that I encounter, I will be sure to post here.  Thank you for reading.

Love and peace to you,
Holli Lyons

Happinness

It is two days after Christmas and I am feeling so thankful.  Not because I received more presents than per usual, but because I received less in fact.  This year was the first where we didn't exchange presents with our aunts, cousins, and grandmother.
Alastair and I had gone over to a friends on Christmas Eve to deliver cookies and a few gifts and to see her newborn baby.  It was such a gift to see this new life and hold him in my arms.  What was even better was to see the joy in the new mother and how proud she was of this small child that had accomplished nothing but entering into this world.  What a gift life is.
We went from there over to my mother's where we enjoyed prime rib, twice baked potatoes, green bean casserole and chocolate cheesecake for dessert.  It was such a treat just to sit with them and share a delicious meal.  Afterwards we chatted for a bit and then exchanged gifts.  I received a wonderful electric blanket and a beautiful gold bracelet from Alastair.  And a pair of shears from my mother and a new vacuum for Alastair and I.  It was the first year where we didn't write out wish lists and instead just gave each other gifts. 
In the past, since I was a child we have always wrote out Christmas lists and hoped that our most desired gift would be given to us, and if it wasn't then we were greatly disappointed.  When did giving gifts become a demand in expectation?  This year, having no expectation for anything and simply receiving had made me the most grateful.  This has helped me to realize that having set expectations and not receiving them is a recipe for depression.

This year I was not able to make it to my grandmother's house on Christmas day because Alastair and I had to catch a ferry.  Although I was disappointed that I would not see them, I became thankful that I did get to spend so much time with Alastair's family and play with his nephews.  This is not something I expected but instead was purely open to.  It's amazing how the absence of material gifts and expectations can really free you.

I have not been this at peace or joyful about life in a long time.  And this time it is coming from inside of me rather than an outside source.  I am learning to expect less and less and instead give more of myself to create my own happiness.
On a side note, I have had a few people ask me what I am going to school for and when I say Cosmetology there seems to be this loss for words as I feel that they look at that education as not something to be held in good standards.  I understand that society views being a doctor and being a hairdresser on two totally different levels.  And I can see those things as well.  However, my degree or career does not determine the kind of person I am.  I could have a doctorate and be an asshole.
I feel as though I have found my niche.  I love art and I love sharing it with people and this has become the perfect avenue for me.  And I feel personally, if you are loving what you do, you will be successful.  I understand I may not be "rich" one day.  But I want to succeed at this art and make people happy through it.

It is such a good feeling to use your own skills to make someone feel good about themselves.
I am in love with life and am not going to take it for granted.
Much love and Peace to you all,
Holli Lyons