Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Two hours until I need to catch the bus to Capitol Hill, and 1 hour until I need to take a shower and get myself all dolled up.
Today is the day for the Aveda Meet and Greet.  I did my usual routine of getting up with Alastair this morning and bought him a cinnamon roll and coffee for breakfast.  I usually make him a lunch to take with but my headache got the best of me.  All last night my head had been singing a dull pain and so I finally took some meds for it this morning and the song ceased.  It is such a great feeling.  I then went back to bed, after he left for work and didn't awake until 12pm.  I have been really taking in the sweet comfort of not having to get up right away and just relaxing.  That has been something that is most often quite difficult for me to do, but there is such rejuvenation in just resting ones body and mind. 

When I did awake I had one of those nagging sour feelings that were beckoning for my attention.  This is something that I only recently learned, that I need to listen to those feelings or they end up exploding later on someone else, or on me. 

So as I prepared for my day I decided to take a walk down to Crossroads clothing store and see if I can sell some items.  While I walked I also grabbed a coffee and let my thoughts wonder.  It is during these times where I feel most peaceful.  It's almost like I have a ball of twine bundled up inside of me, and as I walk I let it unwind.  These times are so beautiful to me.

As I walked I began to think of Aveda and of my last therapy appointment yesterday.  Yesterday, I was told by my therapist that 'I am holding a lot right now.'  I see that I am too, but what I heard from her is that she thinks I could benefit some more with staying with her.  I don't really doubt that, but I think part of me is worried that I made a mistake.  It seems she was trying to make sure that I knew when I should come back.  And I feel that it's one of those times you just know.  Perhaps she was inadvertently casting her worries on me and I was picking them up as my own?  I feel that may be to case.  However, I feel that only time can wash these things out. 
I am always asking a lot of questions about life in general.  And I feel part of that has been because my experiences had lead me there.  But I feel, as long as I am taking care of myself, I will be fine.  As long as I am taking the time I need to ask these questions and to listen for answers.  Things will be okay.  And I know if I feel overwhelmed, I will go back.  In some way, I feel there is not much I can receive from therapy at this time.  And that is something only I can know.
Before I go on about Aveda, I would like to tell you what started all of these thoughts
I believe what my therapist said to me yesterday, carried into my dreams.  We talked about why I had first began to see her, and that was before my accident, and then I remembered it was 3 months before that my dad had passed away.  I still feel that there is a lot of myself wrapped up in that still that I do not know how to touch.  But I also know that it will come in its own time.  This morning I had awoken to a pressure in my chest for the need to sob.  And that is because I was dreaming that I was working at Peets and my grandmother came in.  However, I did not recognize her at first because it had been so long since I had seen her, and I knew that sometimes I would mistaken someone for someone that I knew.  However, she approached me and said "Hello Holli"  at that moment I began to reach over the counter to hug her and found myself awake in bed, wanting to sob.  This was my dad's mom whom I had saw last when I went to her house to collect some of my dad's things.  She came and visited me in the hospital but I do not remember. 
I was carrying those feelings with me today as I walked and remembering how fleeting life is and that I feel some yearning to not 'miss out' on any of my family, because you never know when you or they may leave you. 
However, I realize too, that I cannot give up living my life so that I don't "miss" anything.  There is nothing I can do to keep people from leaving me.  But I can keep myself from leaving me.  It has come to my understanding lately that we really cannot save anyone or keep bad things happenning.  We can only sit with ourselves and others in the midst of the pain. 
Anger is a rightful emotion, and almost always comes out of pain or feelings of threat behind it.  Pain is a part of life. "the rain falls on everyone."  It is through pain that we are able to experience life more richly. 
I feel that it is through experiencing pain, that I am able to understand love.  I am not saying that we all deserve pain or that we should be spreading it in order that other people can learn love.  NO.   What I am saying is through my own collective understanding, that through the pain and sorrow in my life, my love for myself and other grows deeper. 
Which brings me to the question of, "Where did we learn how to love?"  Is this a survival of the fittest strategy?  Perhaps.  Or is this what it means, "to be made in God's image"  I don't know.  Or maybe it is a combination.  One thing is for sure, Love is very powerful and cannot always be heard when we want it to.  But it is the best thing life has to offer.

I have been thinking lately as my thoughts on god re-emerse.  I am thinking of actually picking up the Bible and not reading it literally as I once did.  To think of it that way brings me anger, and that anger is stemmed of feelings in punishment.  I used to read the bible to punish myself for being human.  I am now deciding maybe it's time to read it in light of a fairytale and see where it takes me. 

Oh and as far as Aveda goes, I go back and forth between this being a good decision or not.  But I remind myself that my money is not only used to give away to others but also give to myself.  Giving myself this opportunity I feel is an adventure.  I am diving in to something I used to set below me because I felt I could not compare.  However, this is something I am proving to myself that I am worth it, that I can have fun, and that I can investigate beauty in a different light and share what I come out with.

Peace to you.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

To Learn

I have been feeling the need to write for some time now.  To write second and first listen.  To have a conversation with someone.  Perhaps myself?  Or perhaps it's God?  I do not yet have a name for this experience but it's the feeling of someone wanting your attention, wanting to tell you something.  So I am listening. 
I have known this experience before; when I had left Bible College in order to redirect my life and ask some very big questions.  Now I am at home where I live with my boyfriend, who constantly sharpens and softens me, and asking some very big questions again.
 To provide some background, I was once a Conservative Fundamentalist Babtist.  I believed the Bible to be literally true and that my life was predestined and that if you didn't "accept Christ as your savior"  (whatever the fuck that meant) you would be going to a terrible place called Hell, where you would suffer for all Eternity.  
Now, I have asked a great deal of questions around this and ended up at a place called "I don't care anymore."
Because of all the pressure to succeed and the damnation if you didn't, I left this belief and decided to just seek out my own happiness, and essentially, that's what I did.  And I was happy.  I rode my bike everywhere, I was care-free, I treated people with love and I pursued my dreams.
Until one day I was hit by a car.  Now most of you already know about that and that I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury.  I stayed in Harborview for 15 days and lived with my mother until around October and then moved back into my house in the Central District.  I continued to go to work and school, up until the summer where I have just been working.
It has not been until recently that I feel I have been finally able to catch my breath, or rather understand what has happened to me over the last year.  I don't know what is different about now, then it was a couple of months ago, but it feels new.  
I have recently been having this conversation about  how fragile life really is.  A freak accident can happen at any moment.  Tornado, eartchquake, car accident, you name it, and you or your loved one could cease to exist.
After being hit by a car and almost dying I have come to question a lot of the purpose of living.  My purpose of living.  I am piecing it together still but it seems to happen in those nagging conversations every so often.  I can sum it up in the word, Love.  But what that looks like specifically to me, changes day to day.  And I am starting to feel that it is supposed to.
There is no way that one person can have their life figured out in a plan. I am finding for myself, life is a lot like the Sea.  It is easier to ride with the waves than to swim against them.  I'm not saying it's wrong to make plans, but that it's okay to loosen your grip on them. 
I recently today have come to the awareness that when bad things happen, we want to direct our anger at something or someone.  But what do you do when it's no ones fault?  I used to be angry at the driver that hit me.  After I accepted the fact that it was not intentional, I became angry at myself for choosing to ride my bike during that time.  Then today I realized that it's not my fault I wanted to ride my bike, I was doing nothing wrong. It is not the drivers fault that he did not happen to see me, for he did not intentionally hit me with his car.  Therefore it was simply an accident.  So where does that leave me to direct my anger? 

No where.  And instead I am left with the pain, suffering, and acceptance that this was a horrible thing that happened and that is it.

There is a sense of lightness when accepting this fact, but there is also a great deal of pain.  And I become overwhelmed with both.  I was reminded today about the stroy of Job.  Job went through a great deal of suffering and all that his friends had to say was that he must be doing something wrong in order to deserve all of this pain.  But Job's friends could not endure the pain with Job and that is why they said these things. 

It is better to endure the pain and accept it than it is to fight it.  I feel that I have been Job and treated myself the way Job's friends treated him.  It is a natural response, but not one that is helpful. 
I am finding that it is in these times of suffering that conversations become most apparent.  Where I feel someone wants to tell me something, and when I listen, I feel much better.  Maybe this is my adventure in finding God in a different light.  For the first time I feel like I can look at God with an understanding that it really doesn't matter what I call him or if I choose to believe that he's there.  It's my choice and that is it. I think this is the way it should be.

Life is full of births and deaths of their own kind.  It is our choice to distinguish which is which and to either grieve or celebrate. If we do not do either of these, then we sleep through life. 


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