I'm sitting at my computer as I listen to Christmas music by Over the Rhine, and the smell of tea and turkey soup surround the air. I feel at peace and creative.
I had my last day of work at Peet's and it was a bitter-sweet feeling. I realized that that is the place where I built a lot of wonderful relationships with people that I love and that have been part of my ever-changing molding process. I have also been somewhat scared as I delve into a life of unemployment and merging of relying on my savings and trusting Alastair. In this process I have gained the knowledge that I am a bit of a control freak. In all honesty, I intellectually comprehend that I really have no control over anything, but I enjoy the illusion that I do. (Sigh.)
However, I have also experienced the peace of letting go. The peace doesn't come until after you do let go.
I know, 'damn' is right.
But once I've experienced it I feel like I can take a little more risks and continue to move forward into the person I want to be.
In this new venture of temporary unemployment I look forward to a routine of fitness, baking, reading, and my most exciting one yet; writing my own book I have craved to write a book for quite some time and now I am actually going to begin to dabble. There is a strong glow of excitement that ignites when I think of the idea of creating my own story. I have yet to truly fetch my focus of this story and paint what it looks like but it will happen. I will begin with small sketches and see what emerges.
I have also recently discovered or perhaps accepted, that I am an adult. I no longer depend on someone to follow me into what I long to discover. I am not afraid to go alone. I am okay with having a different opinion than everyone else and doing things differently. My first priority is to love myself, because out of that I can love others freely instead of expecting them to fill a need that only I can fill.
I recently had a conversation with a friend about relationships, and she had asked me if Alastair was the one that I envisioned myself being with, and I said no. I love Alastair with all my heart. But in my fantasy state of dreaming of Mr. Perfect, I realized a few things as I look back now. 1) Mr. Perfect doesn't exist. 2) In all reality, Mr. Perfect is who I wanted someone to see in me.
In my relationship with Alastair, I have found that I am the one who can only make me truly happy. That is not to say that he doesn't make me happy, because he does. It seems, that because we desire to make this relationship work and that we have both fallen in love with eachothers' heart, that we therefore can let the other teach us how to better love ourselves. I am not sure if Alastair would word it this way. But I know this is how I feel about it. Sometimes there is a part of ourselves that likes to 'give' in order to 'receive' and I know that I am guilty of that. And through conversations with Alastair I have seen this. In a way, being in a committed relationship is like having someone hold a mirror in front of you. To see the good and the bad. I have also learned through Alastair, of how beautiful and worthy of love I am. This is one of the greatest gifts of being with him. He has taught me to see these things in myself and I am thankful for that.
That is not to say that you can't find these things without a partnership but either way, you need to work at it,
And God.
I had a conversation with some ladies not to long ago about God. And my definition was with a reference from Shakespeare. I don't think we realize how much of a barrier language is, sometimes. "Would a rose, by any other name still smell as sweet?"
If you call something by another name, does it change it's form or essence? Does it matter if I call him God, Higher Power, Energy, Love, Buddha? It is up to no-one else to decide what I believe or how I address my Higher Power. Although, because I am most familiar with Jesus and the Bible, I will continue to explore those things as they see fit. But that does not mean I turn down other "names." I do my best to look into everything before I have an opinion. However, because I am human, I fail at this often. But this is my aim.
I cannot help but be attracted to Jesus. He feed the hungry and stood against the majority and spoke to people who were outcasts. Whether this is fact or fiction, my heart cannot deny the feeling of being moved. It seems to me that truth is something you have to weigh and be open to. And remember that we all do not speak the same language. If we could know absolute truth than we would be perfect.
Peace to you,
Holli
EDIT
I fear, I have downplayed how wonderful Alastair is in fear of not to step on anyone's toes for not having an Alastair in their life. But in remembering my favorite quote by Nelson Mandella; "There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't
feel insecure around you." "When we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same."
Therefore, I want to add that I am truly blessed to have someone who is so devoted to and patient to me. Whom I can share my thoughts, ideas, tears, and laughter with. There is a certain treasure in finding someone who you can share your most innermost being with.
However, that being said. Who is not to say that you can't find it another way? I have found mine and will continue to. I have faith that you can find yours too and continue in it.
