Thursday, August 4, 2016

Unwanted thoughts

It is really difficult when people want to project their problems on to you.  I feel like I am a constant scapegoat for people.  struggling to find my words when someone pushes me around and always feeling the coulda woulda shoulda.
Which is why I become so angry when I see someone else being taken advantage of.
When these feelings are forced to be shoved down, I feel like I want to run to the place I remember being the happiest.  This place was at a Bible Camp in Montana.
However, if I were to go there today, it would not be the same.  I would still feel the longing and loneliness I feel when someone refuses to hear my needs.  This is because you cannot go back to that place, because you are also not that same person.
I recently listened to a podcast by NPR's Invisibilia, talking about our thoughts. More specifically our unwanted thoughts.
I have lots of these. Just like I'm sure you all do.
The secret is, is that these thoughts don't necessarily mean anything; unless you want them too.

My unwanted thoughts are to runaway.  It drives me crazy.  My anxiety shoots to the moon and my whole body tells me that everything I am doing is wrong and that I need to change something right now if I want to feel better.
However, that is because the pain of not being heard is so great, that I immediately go into flight before I have a chance to give it a second thought.
The podcast talks about "leaning in." An expression I've heard several times before from Pema Chodron.
I hate leaning in.  It hurts so much.  I get overwhelmed by all of the bombarded thoughts that yell and scream at me as I even look at those feelings.  However, I know that leaning in is the only cure.
And then comes the peace.  But it isn't for long before the overwhelming thoughts return.
I am hoping to get involved with a support group of some sort.
I need to practice assertiveness.  Not sure how to do that yet.  But its on my care list.
Check out that podcast, its pretty neat.
Love, Holli

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