It is really difficult when people want to project their problems on to you. I feel like I am a constant scapegoat for people. struggling to find my words when someone pushes me around and always feeling the coulda woulda shoulda.
Which is why I become so angry when I see someone else being taken advantage of.
When these feelings are forced to be shoved down, I feel like I want to run to the place I remember being the happiest. This place was at a Bible Camp in Montana.
However, if I were to go there today, it would not be the same. I would still feel the longing and loneliness I feel when someone refuses to hear my needs. This is because you cannot go back to that place, because you are also not that same person.
I recently listened to a podcast by NPR's Invisibilia, talking about our thoughts. More specifically our unwanted thoughts.
I have lots of these. Just like I'm sure you all do.
The secret is, is that these thoughts don't necessarily mean anything; unless you want them too.
My unwanted thoughts are to runaway. It drives me crazy. My anxiety shoots to the moon and my whole body tells me that everything I am doing is wrong and that I need to change something right now if I want to feel better.
However, that is because the pain of not being heard is so great, that I immediately go into flight before I have a chance to give it a second thought.
The podcast talks about "leaning in." An expression I've heard several times before from Pema Chodron.
I hate leaning in. It hurts so much. I get overwhelmed by all of the bombarded thoughts that yell and scream at me as I even look at those feelings. However, I know that leaning in is the only cure.
And then comes the peace. But it isn't for long before the overwhelming thoughts return.
I am hoping to get involved with a support group of some sort.
I need to practice assertiveness. Not sure how to do that yet. But its on my care list.
Check out that podcast, its pretty neat.
Love, Holli
