Rising from the Deep

I feel like I am rising.  It scares me some. 

If we have sat and spoke then you know the path that I walked, or perhaps crawled through.

This soul suit is old and ragged and is being replaced with a new one. At least that is how I feel. 

I have realized that I have fought for a long time, to appear what others would hope to see and constantly throwing my 'self' to the side.  As the way I saw it, I was only as valuable as others saw me.  Which I understand part of being human is seeking out attention and 'love' from another.  However, there is another part that says, 'there has got to be another way.'  It's such a dualistic sense to feel part of your 'self' fighting to be independent and the other part of you that feels the need to be needed.  It reminds me of a dance with two opposites.  Like fire and ice.  Learning to balance on the head of a needle. 

How is it that we remained balanced? 

Listen.

I have learned listening intuitively to my self.  Delighting in a conversation with my soul and self.  Allowing the ugliness of myself to appear.  My deepest fears allowed to speak.  As Pema Chodron puts it, "leaning into the sharp points." 
Also allowing myself to rejoice in things I find suited.  To not judge my happiness, but to accept myself; for I am no less or more than anyone else. 

As an artist I love that there is an original in each of us.  That there is something beautiful and 'awe-ing' about each of us.  And no one person can be totally understood.  If we are curious enough to let those things strike us. 

What is it that kills our curiosity as we reach adulthood?  I think for me it is fear.  I am afraid that my curiosity will lead to pain.  But it is through our pain that we are awakened to a gift.  But like all gifts, you can not force them, they must be received. 

Life is a continuum of births and death.  Through each death we are able to accept a new life. 

I am accepting my new life and letting go of my death.  Colors seem brighter and life tastes richer.  I am thankful.  And I know this is not the end, but I can only receive the moment for the future has not yet come to pass.

 I am at rest. 

And I wish it upon you as well.

Love. 

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