I deleted this last post after a few different reasons.
One of them being that I am not emotionally ready to accept what I wrote. I am learning the honesty of being human and it hurts. We are all selfish people.
I am still working on the emotional part of the break up and am not ready yet to come to any conclusions as of "why".
However, the conclusions I have come to are that we are all innately selfish people. Let me expand on this.
It is innate that in order to survive, we must think of our own well being. What drives us is our desires, and those may come out in different ways. Now, some of us may have very strong desires because things were withheld from us at an early age and that in order survive we adapeted certain skills. Now that we are adults those survival skills do not benefit us anymore and therefore there is need to relearn how to meet our desires/needs in a more beneficial way.
While the rest of us may have less harmful ways of satisfying these desires, we all have different preferences of how to do so. The way I have heard it explained is through coarser and more refined tastes. As a child you enjoyed koolaid perhaps, but now as an adult you have more refined tastes such as a glass of wine or a nice cold beer on a hot day. Some of us might be okay with meeting our needs one way and others would rather do it a different way. Either the way, it is your choice in how to do it. However, I feel that we never stop learning and consistently refine our tastes all the more. However, we need to get sick of koolaid, before we desire wine.
Something I have learned is that I have been one to hold myself above others in my "tastes" for life. Because I thought that my tastes made me a better person. And in part I am still learning this. However just because that guy still likes koolaid and I am drinking wine. Makes neither of us a better person. Do I think wine is better? Yes. But Johnny over there says, "I'm good with my koolaid, thank you." I cannot force him to drink my wine. Therefore all I can do is kick the dust off my shoes and move on, offering other people wine to see who will take it.
My hardest lesson: it's not about me.
What I am trying to explain with this analogy is that every action we take is out of selfishness, the difference between us and the felon, is only our preferences as to how we satisfy our needs.
I will leave you with a few quotes..
"There must be a better way of living than depending on another human being."
"It's only when you're sick of your sickness that you'll get out of it"
"Truth is never expressed in words. Truth is sighted suddenly as a result of a certain attitude."
These are things I am wrestling with, and wanted to share with you.
I feel as though I am wrestling with angels. I can feel that I want to take the easy way out to satisfy my wants, but I know that if I work for it, I can receive in whole of what I actually want.
Peace.
-Holli
