Awareness


This song seems fairly relevant to how I am feeling and processing.
I am learning much about living my own life in addition to what it means to be in an intimate relationship with another.

I have discovered that through my life at bible college I adopted this understanding that my self worth should be non existent in order to be "holy as your heavenly father is holy." And there is still this growth of expectancy that lies inside of me, informing me that in order to nurture the expansion of love in myself and others, I must bury the very essence of myself.
All of the repeating "I die to myself to live as Christ"  I understood as not allowing myself to be loved.
However, love will find a way.

It is a mystery that love is a necessity as it is not something that we can quite grasp with our senses in order to comprehend as one of our most basic life source.
I find that without the knowledge of love and what it means in my own individual life, it comes out in ways that are not always healthy.
I truly believe that this is a human capacity and the cause of most incidents of violence and emotional pain.
I find that the beautiful mess that life creates begins in the dangerous awe of relationships and through introspection and meditation we can listen to what it is our soul is looking for.
I don't think we ever 'arrive' with this skill but we get closer to what it is we are looking for and the gravity that pulls us in the opposite direction seems to lessen it's force.

I am learning that the way I love is perfectly okay and that no one has the right to tell me different.  I love myself and who I am and I don't have to change but rather change when I want to.
I can cry as much as I want to, love as deeply as I want to, and real change only occurs when the desire glows within you.
The real mystery is that I will never know what type of change will begin in me but I am always thankful for the awareness.
peace

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